It's December and i definitely love this month. First, because im a december baby. Second because it's Christmas month! Third, because it's the last month of the year which im happy because i know that i've managed to pull through another year of ups and downs again! :) So much to be thankful for and i definitely can't wait the new year! Christmas, the season of joy. As i know, to celebrate the birth of Jesus. I've been preparing gifts to be given out. Yay! What i realize is not about the joy of exchanging gifts or receiving, it's about the joy of giving. I realize that how happy i can be seeing people around me happy. I tend to always please people, but no sometimes, it's just me and i can't change it. I just can't help to see another people frown. Although i did, make some of them unhappy but deep within, i would do anything to make them happy again. I wish im good in giving other people joy.
Sometimes, it is easy to give people joy, but when it comes to myself, i hardly ever get to motivate myself to be happy. I just feel that, i have not done enough and that people don't forgive my mistakes, also, people don't understand the reason behind something i can't make it work. It's like whatever i do, it's never enough and whatever i do is just terrible. It makes me feel like im kinda hopeless in handling things. I tried. I really do but too bad, people can't see them. All people ever wanted was the outcome of it. I tried to mend broken friendships, i really tried but sometimes i feel that people just dislike whatever i do and they just find that my existence only comes at the last resort.
This year, THIS YEAR, 2013, really put me through a lot. So much to deal with, so much to hang on to, so much to go through, so much bumps, and last but not least, i was being test on how strong i could be. Tears, behind every smile. Blanket that covers up the darkness so that i can pretend to be strong, pretend to light up my life but the truth is im too fragile. Trying so hard to be strong and hold on to my tears is hard. Definitely hard. I kinda stopped talking to people because sometimes i feel that no matter how much is it, no one truly understands. If people asked 'why you always emo?' My answer can only be 'because trying so hard to be strong is tiring and crying in front of people aint fun at all. People tend to judge.' If they say 'don't bother about what people say.' My answer will be 'You never understand the pain of being judge again and again and again and it is there but you pretend to not listen. It's like being splashed by water again and again and you pretend you can't feel the water slapping your skin.' Isn't it?
Hopefully 2014 will be better. Hopefully. :)
Love, Jan.
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